Human beings are born with FREE WILL.

Children at a very young age have figured out that they can get more attention when they do something they know they were told not to do, especially when they “feel” unappreciated or unloved, or insecure and unsure of what to do.

This is when parents can “shine” by knowing “how to respond effectively” rather than resorting to emotional power struggles and saying things they will regret later.

We, the parents, think we can demand compliance and make our children submit to our will because we are stronger and smarter and we think we know better, but that’s only temporary.

When a parent says, “You better listen and behave” what does that mean to a child? Sit there and do nothing or something else?

If you feel guilty for using strategies that you learned as a child or strategies your pediatricians, your teachers, friends, and in-laws have told you would work but rather made your child angrier at you and you have lost some love and respect from them, it’s not too late to rewire your thoughts to what works.

The reality is that your child’s choices will always be theirs. The power of FREE WILL is a human trait.

Children are naturally curious. They want to explore, learn, and be encouraged to nurture their inborn abilities.

Hi, I’m Kamille, as a parent and grandparent and being involved in various educational systems, I learned over the many years by observation, experience, reflection, reasoning, and from true

experts what has worked and still works that created trust and everlasting relationships with my children and grandchildren.

Control & Command Tactics that Don’t Work

The following tactics work against your child’s needs to use their power and against their biological makeup.

1. Counting up to three doesn’t work. It tells the child that they don’t have to listen the first time.
2. The time-out doesn’t work. If you have a strong will child that’s the worst strategy. Keeping a powerful child in time-out will be a power struggle and it doesn’t teach them to use their critical thinking.
3. Rewards don’t work. Using stickers to reward good behavior doesn’t reach the depth of human motivation. Using external rewards to motivate a behavior is keeping the child from being interested in achieving his lifetime purpose.
4. Yelling and punishing can stop the misbehavior but it will force a child into submission by overpowering him with fear or push him to retaliate in other ways. This doesn’t create a long-term behavior change.
5. Using tactics like shaming or blaming will instinctively create a response to shut down. That’s when the wall goes up to protect ourselves from shame, blame, and emotional pain.

When this happens, there is no learning and the vicious cycle continues.

These tactics are a human invention in times of desperation. In the long term, the consequences are too great. The challenge of cooperation becomes more difficult as time goes on. Punishing children teaches them to get good a lying. Naturally, they don’t want the pain and suffering. Who would? Why create an environment where kids will lie and then get mad at them for lying?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. The small power struggles will morph into big kid power struggles and or disassociation with their parents and then society.

When we do something against the natural forces there will always be the pushback, the fight or flight response. Running away is not a choice for small children so their only choice is for them to fight.

I remember reading the book, “The Runaway Bunny” by Margaret Wise Brown, to my children when they were small and thinking why did the bunny want to run away? It’s a lovely story about pushing boundaries, parental protection, and unconditional love.

All human beings, especially children, have a natural need to use their power, be in control, and seek love.

Strategies that Work and Motivate Children to Listen to You

It’s time to let go of the guilt, let go of what doesn’t work, and use strategies that work with how children are naturally wired.

Addressing the core need for power is a child’s willingness to cooperate depends also on how the parent’s type of personality interacts with theirs. This includes cultural practices that have shaped parental decisions in a child’s developmental years.

If you’re more controlling or your partner is then that will invite more power struggles.

Misbehavior is never just the child’s problem. Parents play an equal role in that problem. We can simply STOP doing the things that trigger our children. That’s half of the problem solved.

Here are some strategies to consider that work with your child’s need for personal power and to learn to control their actions.

Use Consequences – Cause and Act

The consequence needs to be respectful, without using the tactics of shame, blame, or causing emotional pain. That means being calm when communicating with a child who is not physically hurt or hurting others or property.

If you’re upset address the problem later (in a few minutes) when you’re calm and they are calm as well. The consequence must be relatable to the behavior.

The Natural Consequence

Adult: “Oh, you left your jacket out in the rain. It’s all wet and now you can’t use it until it’s dry” or “Oh, your snack fell on the floor use the cleaning tools to sweep it up. If you need assistance it’s okay to let me know.”

The Encouraging Behavior Consequence

Adult: “I appreciate how you understood what needs to be done and cleaned up your items without arguing. That shows responsibility and respect.”

The Guided Behavior Consequence

Adult: “You can choose another activity after you have put away these items on the floor.” Some children may say “But I’m not done using them.” You can say, “It’s important to keep this space clear so we don’t trip over them.” and “Being orderly is an important trait for self-care.”

Consequences adults enforce need to be fair and reasonable and revealed in advance so the child knows in advance what the consequences will be and even better if he can say them back to you as he understands them.

Child: “I need to put this away before I choose something else.” The child’s nonverbal understanding will be that “I can be in control of what I do.”

Set Clear Boundaries

While giving choices, it’s important to establish clear boundaries and rules. Being consistent is key. Boundaries may need to be repeated often, especially with a young child, to understand the consequences of their actions if they violate these boundaries. If

it’s about the child getting that needed attention, pay attention to that and resolve it.

• Making mistakes or making wrong choices and admitting them shows responsibility for their actions. The child needs to understand the difference between natural consequences and those negative actions the child has chosen which have different consequences implemented by adults. They may seem unreasonable and unfair to a child at first but need to be understood as protection from harm to themselves and others.
• Be consistent and use clear language to validate your child’s emotional state. Use “positive consequences” to help the child understand expectations and feel motivated to engage in desired behaviors in their environment. Positive reinforcement is a powerful motivator.
• Use genuine praises and rewards. They need to be specific to the child’s task to demonstrate positive behaviors, such as cooperating, following rules, or showing empathy towards others.
• Parent: “I like the way you’ve found a special spot for your collection of rocks.” Or ” I like how you use the same spot to put away that puzzle.”
• Use positive reinforcement and approaches that help children thrive emotionally, socially, and academically, which improve self-esteem, enhanced problem-solving skills, and the development of self-regulation and empathy.

Encourage Decision Making

Allow your child to make decisions about things that affect them whenever possible. It’s important to be patient and understanding when trying to get your child’s attention. It may take a few tries, but with persistence and creativity, you will find a way to engage them by asking questions.

For example.

• What are the child’s decisions that you approve of in their daily activities? This can be posted as a list or on a weekly calendar grid where it’s easily accessible.
• What to wear for style or comfort? For young children let them choose between the two outfits you laid out on their bed depending on the outside temperature as well as indoors.

• What activities they may want to try out and participate in? Encourage them to think through the consequences of their decisions.

Teach Conflict Resolution Skills

Help your child learn how to negotiate and compromise in situations where they may not get exactly what they want. Teach them how to express their needs and concerns assertively but respectfully.

Here’s how…

Find out the problem by asking the child, “What is causing the conflict?” It is important to hear each child out even though their version is different from how the other child perceives the conflict.

Adult: “I hear that each of you sees this problem differently. Here’s my suggestion for a solution.”

• “Try to understand how the other person feels.”
• “Your emotions affect your thoughts, therefore it is best to take a moment or a few and breathe.”
• “The solution needs to be acceptable to both of you. It may take time to resolve the problem or no time at all.”
• “I am here to ensure you feel safe and can provide you with feedback.”

Other Choices

Provide your child with options whenever possible. This helps them feel a sense of control over their environment. The choices you offer need to enable them to say “I can do it myself!”

• Offer “two options”, that are appropriate for your child’s developmental stage of physical independence. If your child doesn’t choose for themselves offer to choose for them.
• “David, you may choose a book to look at by yourself OR work on putting these puzzle pieces together with a friend.”
• “Sara, you can choose this pink dress OR this yellow one.”
• During circle/group time. “Jamie, you can choose to sit quietly with us while this story is being read OR you can wait patiently while I finish reading this story.”
• When children take things from other children say, “Tommy, you need to ask Ben if you can use the item.” If Ben is not ready to let Tommy have it say to Tommy, “When Ben is finished using the item then it will be your turn, okay!”
• If both children are holding the item and are upset take it away and say, “It’s not available right now.” OR “Let me help you choose something else to work on.” OR “Why don’t you take a sip of water from your water bottle.”

The power of distraction to offer other choices works wonders.

Provide Opportunities for Responsibility

Give your child tasks and responsibilities appropriate for their age. Offer choices that are relatable and in smaller tasks that can easily be attained to make them feel capable and in control of their environment.

Examples such as:

• Meal preparations: cutting the ends of beans, peeling carrots, mixing ingredients in a bowl, etc.
• House chores: cleaning off plates after a meal, wiping tables with a small washcloth or sponge, sweeping after the meals, etc.
• Caring for a pet: refilling a water bowl or a bottle for a small pet. Learning how to care for animals in our care and about animals in the wild environment, etc.

Model Healthy Behavior

Children model much of their parent’s behavior by observing how they react to others and their environment. They model the healthy ways as well as the not-so-healthy ways by asserting control and dealing with power dynamics in your interactions.

Use positive language to reinforce what you expect. What to say to a child who hits or pushes other children.

Parent to child, “We use gentle hands or keep our hands to ourselves.” Your natural smile will reinforce their belief that what you’re doing is an action they want to implement.

It’s important to tell your child as well as “show them” what you want them to do instead of what you don’t want them to do.

When you’re reinforcing the behavior you want to see more of ensure that the positive consequence is meaningful and tailored to the individual child’s preferences and interests to maximize its activeness in promoting positive behavior change.

Assert Independence

Provide positive reinforcement for self-directed behavior and create a supportive and encouraging environment that motivates the child to cooperate willingly. Children who exhibit a strong need for power and control often do so as a way of asserting independence.

• Guide your child to activities that help him assert himself by asking him what he may be interested in and giving him choices.
• Provide age-appropriate tools such as child-size utensils, cups, and plates; broom and dustpan; and pitcher for pouring water, etc. that help the child learn to be in self-control.
• Ideas of interest may be from nature such as leaf patterns, rock formations, and landforms. The world is a palette of ideas that are worth chasing relentlessly. Let passion be the fuel that ignites your child’s perseverance towards a lifetime of amazing adventures.

Provide Emotional Support

Validate your child’s feelings and emotions, even when you don’t agree with their behavior, by saying “I hear you and acknowledge how you feel.”

Sometimes adults are too harsh with their judgment instead of allowing the child to express their true emotions. This can stifle their emotions, may hinder their talents and they may even become seclusive.

Instead, help your child learn appropriate ways to express and manage their emotions with a caring hug and understanding.

Seek Professional Help if Needed

If your child’s need for power and control is causing significant disruptions at home, school, or in their relationships, consider seeking guidance from a child psychologist or counselor who can provide additional support and strategies.

Remember, every child is unique, so it may take some trial and error to figure out which strategies work best for your child. Patience, consistency, love, and understanding are key components of supporting a child with a strong need for power and control.

Let’s help all children be curious and excited about all of their experiences in this ever-evolving world full of wonders.

After all, human beings are born with FREE WILL.