Sibling Rivalry is one of the most challenging topics for most parents, who are struggling to get their children to get along with each other.

Hi, I’m Kamille, mother of three now-grown children and four grandchildren. I’d like to take you on a journey, which has been years in the making, of my experiences from my childhood and as a parent involved in their education from private to public to homeschool.

Back when I was a young mother my understanding of sibling rivalry was limited. Growing up as an only child the after-school activities and arranged playtime with my girlfriend were sparse. Mostly I was either on my own or with adults most of the time. Having my cousins over was my only opportunity to see what it’s like to have siblings. It was not as I imagined it.

I used to imagine what it would be like to live in a large family of six or more. All getting along, helping each other with chores, playing games, helping with school activities, discovering the outside world, and traveling. Having the best time of our lives with mom and dad homeschooling all their children on how to best survive in this world.

Instead, my cousins usually did their own thing and most of the time did not include me. If one of my cousins cried about wanting to take one of my favorite items home my mom would say, “Here you go sweetheart, take it.”

On the larger scale of the world’s problems and solutions, one can remember their childhood treasured experiences as life lessons or they tried to forget them as adults. One of my favorite books “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” by Robert Fulghum

I still keep asking these questions… Why can’t we all just get along?

Why do we want what others have?

What causes sibling rivalry?

Here’s my opinion and research on the current cultures of the civilized parts of the world.

Top five problems to solve.

1. The feeling that things are not fair.
2. Not recognizing that individuals have different temperaments and unique requirements.
3. Child’s lack of social skills. Siblings may not have the appropriate language to express themself effectively.
4. Parent’s lack of skills to resolve conflicts.
5. Difficulty with change. Parenting Styles have been passed down from many generations. Why change? I have heard many parents say, “This is how I was brought up and I turned out okay!”

Here are the top five TIPS to Sibling Rivalry.

1. Fairness

“That’s not fair!” says a younger sibling to her older sister.

“Why can she go to the show with her friends, but I can’t?”

Mom’s response may be, “She’s a few years older and can do things you are not ready for yet.”

Always give a rational reason. Children will cooperate if they understand why things are the way they are at the moment and if they feel they’re being heard. It is the responsibility of the parent/caregiver to explain why a situation is the way it is.

The worst mistake parents and caregivers can say, “Because I said so.”

The message the parent is sending is that rules come from some authority creating unreasonable fear. Not explaining why the rules are the way they are will be perceived by a child as “Do this or you’ll get hurt.”

There is something in the human spirit that will rebel against that and should rebel against this kind of authoritative behavior because it is arbitrary and unreasonable.

Use logic and explain the reason for a rule early during the child’s most impressionable years, which is before the age of five. This enhanced your parent’s authority and respect as an educated, reasonable, and responsible parent. Your child will have respect for you throughout your lifetime.

We label everything in this world. But people do not like to be put in a box with a label on it. Using negative labels for your child may affect their self-esteem and stop them from expressing and sharing their talents with the world.

Also, siblings can be jealous of each other by wanting what the other has. Taking things from each other without asking permission. Those are boundaries that need to be protected by the parents. Wanting something others have stems from not feeling we are enough and not being grateful for what we do have.

Therefore, it is essential to help children understand what is reasonable and fair.

2. Uniqueness

Children are less likely to fight if they feel you appreciate each of them as a unique individual to only compete to better themselves and help others do the same.

Naturally, having the feeling of competing with their sibling creates sibling rivalry. Cultures and family structures as well as sensationalized cartoons and children’s movies may create animosity between brothers or sisters.

Many times the negative aspect promoted is wanting to be better than others so that one can falsely believe that one will feel good about oneself.

The positive aspect is to understand that competition can make you work harder to improve yourself, which is a much healthier achievable goal.

Let each child know that they’re special as they are. Spending time with them individually will help alleviate those unwanted feelings.

However, the majority of fights arise due to underlying causes related to birth order, a child’s temperament, and family dynamics.

Understand Birth Order

For firstborn children, their largest source of comfort, safety, and admiration comes from their parents. They will feel like they need to compete for your attention when a newborn is introduced.

Birth order largely depends on factors such as gender, age spacing between siblings, family dynamics, and parenting styles. It can influence a child’s development and behavior and become toxic and damaging when it is taken too far or fostered by parents.

Understanding birth order can provide valuable insights, but it’s essential to consider each child as a unique individual with strengths, weaknesses, and preferences.

Understand Your Child’s Temperament

Understanding your child’s temperament is crucial for effective parenting and fostering a supportive environment that suits their individual needs and preferences.

Here are some key aspects to consider when assessing your child’s temperament:

1. Activity Level: Observe your child’s energy levels and how they engage with their environment. Some children may be naturally more active and energetic, while others may prefer quieter activities.
2. Adaptability: Notice how your child responds to changes in routines, new situations, or transitions. Some children may adapt easily to changes, while others may require more time and support to adjust.
3. Sensitivity: Pay attention to your child’s sensitivity to stimuli such as noise, light, textures, or emotional cues. Some children may be more sensitive and easily overwhelmed, while others may have a higher threshold for stimulation.
4. Sociability: Observe your child’s social interactions and preferences for socializing. Some children may be outgoing and enjoy being around others, while others may be more reserved or prefer solitary activities.
5. Emotional Intensity: Notice the intensity of your child’s emotional reactions and how they express their feelings. Some children may be more emotionally expressive and reactive, while others may be more even-tempered and subdued in their emotions.
6. Persistence: Consider your child’s ability to stick with tasks or activities, even in the face of challenges or setbacks. Some children may be naturally more persistent and determined, while others may become easily frustrated and give up quickly.
7. Rhythmicity: Pay attention to your child’s natural patterns and rhythms in activities such as eating, sleeping, and playing. Some children may have more predictable routines and rhythms, while others may be more irregular or unpredictable.

Offer guidance on coping strategies for managing emotions, and creating a nurturing environment that respects their individual preferences and temperament traits.

Understand Your Family Dynamics

Here are some key aspects to consider when seeking to understand your family dynamics:

1. Communication Styles: Pay attention to how family members communicate with each other. Are conversations open and respectful, or do conflicts often arise due to misunderstandings or lack of communication? Understanding communication styles can help improve family interactions and relationships.
2. Roles and Hierarchies: Identify the roles that each family member plays within the family structure. This could include parent-child dynamics, sibling relationships, and extended family roles. Recognizing these roles can help address imbalances and foster a more equitable and supportive family environment.
3. Conflict Resolution: Take note of how conflicts are addressed and resolved within your family. Are conflicts handled constructively through open dialogue and compromise, or do they escalate into arguments or unresolved tensions? Developing healthy conflict resolution strategies can strengthen family relationships and reduce stress.
4. Shared Values and Beliefs: Consider the values, beliefs, and traditions that are important to your family. These shared aspects of identity can influence decision-making, behaviors, and interactions within the family unit. Understanding and respecting each other’s values can promote cohesion and harmony within the family.
5. Emotional Dynamics: Be mindful of the emotional atmosphere within your family. Are emotions openly expressed and validated, or are they suppressed or ignored? Understanding the emotional dynamics can help create a supportive environment where family members feel heard, understood, and valued.
6. Family History and Culture: Reflect on your family’s history, cultural background, and past experiences. These factors can shape family dynamics, traditions, and attitudes toward relationships. Acknowledging and honoring your family’s history and culture can strengthen bonds and foster a sense of belonging.

Celebrate your child’s uniqueness and support them in their talents.

3. Communication

Trying to figure out what is on the child’s mind and what they are trying to say can be a challenge, especially in their younger years.

Looking at the child’s eyes at their eye level can speak volumes. Young children rely on visual cues more than language since they are still absorbing their mother’s language and the environment around them.

Telling a child to use their words is a good way to solve problems but may only work if they have developed a large vocabulary.

Teach a child to say, “Is this available?” or “I’d like to tell you how I feel?” Assure them that you’ll be there to hear them out. Then encourage the child to choose activities that are based on their interest. By being focused on the task at hand their hurt feelings will dissipate and work themselves out. That is one way to let thoughts of emotional hurt go up and away.

In a conflict between siblings, it is best to avoid making a disciplinary conversation that would be heard by everyone standing around. This can shame a child in front of their siblings which can create greater animosity between them.

Instead of saying, “Wait until we get home” which you may forget to do or do something you will regret, pull them aside away from everyone and simply say, “Let’s talk about this. I am listening.”

Then you can say “What do you think should happen?” Give them a chance to create a response and then reply to their answer “I think that is a good solution” or “Being kind to each other makes you a good friend.”

4. Resolutions

Resolving conflicts takes proven skills.

Your child is watching and perceiving the slightest differences in how you talk to and treat their siblings. They observe how you resolve an issue of conflict. This will be their signal of a potential threat to their comfort and wellbeing.

Compromise works if both children in a conflict agree on a resolution. Like taking turns. Say, “When he’s done riding the scooter you can have your turn.” Or if no compromise is reached say, “The scooter is not available at this moment.”

Taking the time to just listen to your children and respect their feelings can have a lot of impact.

If it comes to push and shove state with a clear voice and eye contact, “Hurting others is not acceptable. Either wait for your turn or find something else to do.”

Always give attention first to the child that was hurt and then to the one that hurt the other. Both need to face each other and let the apology and acceptance be their resolve either by your example or by their understanding.

Children need structure and guidance but often learn best when they are given opportunities to explore their surroundings “freely” to creatively solve problems.

5. Adaptation

Adaptation to new situations is what human beings are good at. But fear of the unknown can cause us to make no adjustments and therefore feel stuck. Doing the same as others have done before us especially when it comes to raising a child.

As your family grows your experiences together create everlasting bonds or permanent separations. It all depends on the learned behaviors and personal growth that are based on fear or love.

Teach your children self-control and restraint not by punishment, by saying things like “Go to your room,” or “I’m taking all your toys away,” or “You’re grounded for a week,” or even worse hitting a child. Those are fear-based tactics, which only make the child more rebellious as they get older.

Being self-aware of your emotional state of mind and understanding where it stems from can help us to be in self-control.

So how do you teach self-control? You don’t teach it. It is self-taught by example and by having the right skills or experience working with children.

You can teach children to repeat what you say to them with words like…

“Please give me space.”

“Please explain so I can understand.”

“I don’t like that.”

“I did not agree to that.”

“I love myself as I am.”

“I can learn that.”

“I want to be like that.”

“I enjoy being with you.”

“I am my best by being myself.”

Every child needs their own body space so they feel safe, protected, and confident for who they are as soulful beings they are.

We spend so much time trying to make children happy. It is better to make them strong by overcoming adversity. If you don’t make a child strong he can’t be fully happy.

Being happy is being grateful for all of the experiences that have taught them to be resilient.

All it takes is to say… “I love you just the way you are” and “You are perfect the way you have been created.”

We all need more of a Balanced Life: All we NEED is LOVE to thrive and enjoy life fully as families join all over the world.